Recently, I've hit a bit of a rut when it came to writing. Last year, once quarantine hit, I basically did nothing but write. I poured words on to the page every chance I was at the computer, and the rest of the time, I dreamt about what to write.
I used writing as my escape. It was my rock. It was the constant in my life that made me feel content. But convinced myself that it wasn't enough.
I began writing when I was in 8th grade, a wide-eyed middle schooler who was convinced that the first drafts of novels were the ones to be published. As with anything one first begins, I had a sense of wonder every time I wrote. And as with most new things, that sense of wonder gradually faded.
I'm not sure if it was the pressure to start querying, or the emphasis to reach a word count for NaNoWriMo (both of which were self-imposed), but writing started to become a chore. It no longer was just a hobby that I marvelled, rather it was a tool for self-validation and control.
Whenever I felt like I wasn't good enough, I would tell myself that it was okay, because I write. After taking the ACT, for example, feeling useless and tired, I'd think well at least I can write! and I'd spend hours distracting myself from thinking of how the test went by writing. Or when covid hit and the world fell into chaos, I opened up a document because being good at writing felt doable while everything wasn't.
This would have been fine if there was a scale to measure "good writing." Writing isn't a math problem where there's only one right answer, there are many ways to be "a good writer" and there is no "correct" way to write. You can't really hold a first draft to the standard of a final, one is meant for figuring out the plot and character and the story skeleton, while the other is the skin and makeup and fancy clothes of the story. You can't compare novels to short stories to poems, as they require different skills, pacing and stamina. You can't even compare one story to another, as each one contains its own challenges and perks. After all, you can't compare an apple to an apple pie, even though they are both delicious.
I basically started treating writing as one would treat a school assignment where you're trying to impress a teacher who is impossible to please; only the teacher was myself. I would spend hours, weeks, months working on something only to scrap it because it wasn't good enough, only to start over and repeat the cycle. I began to tell myself that I have to write, that it was my purpose, that without it, I would be nothing. And so each time I would push harder, get further, but not far enough to make any real progress.
This unhealthy relationship continued all throughout 2020, a year where I wrote more than I ever have(I probably wrote over 100k last year), yet I can't recall exactly what I wrote. And throughout, I couldn't help but feel like my writing level had diminished, that it was no longer at the level that it was at in the past, that the plot was still not going anywhere.
This led to me hilariously announcing new projects once a month or so, then stopping to work on Kingdom of Irdris(my first novel also referred to as KOI), then announcing that I quit KOI for good, then starting another project, trying to start a webtoon, going back to KOI and then saying that I am no longer interested in writing it and yet again going back to it. (By the way, my journey with KOI is hilarious, I'll probably share it sometime).
The belief of "not being good enough" has kept me from finishing projects, let alone writing anything at all. I am now at a place where I'm too hesitant to open up a document and start writing because it might be pointless. Because I may not finish it. Because it would never publish. Because I can't write well. Because I lost interest. Because I am interested but I may not be tomorrow so what's the point. Because I'm gonna look at it tomorrow and think that it sucks. Because-- Because-- Because--
The reality is, every project, even the unfinished ones, has helped me learn something in some way shape or form. I have definitely improved from when I first started and have explored various different styles because of them. I've recognised the stories that I like to write, and the elements that I enjoy the most, and the elements that I like to avoid. So basically I just need to convince myself to stop being a coward and pick up a pen, or computer and slam some letters.
So anyways, why am I even writing this? Well as I have said before, writing is my rock. It is the way I process things. And despite all of this I do miss writing. It has become such a big part of my life that I'm a little sad that have become so wary of it. So I opened up this ghost blog to rant because this blog post still counts as writing... your welcome ghost blog! you have now been promoted to my official writing time capsule.
I don't know how I'm gonna get out of this cycle, but I'm definitely determined to do it. I might start writing every day again! Maybe I'll write KOI, or work on world-building, which is one of my favourite things to do! Or maybe I'll write some sweet sweet character banter! who knows!
Anyways my fellow writers, I would just like to say, your writing is brilliant. Sometimes, we all feel are insecure about our craft. We may think it's not good enough or that it doesn't meet some impossible expectation that you set on yourself(us artist have a way of setting impossible expectations, you know). Though you may rather burn your WIP than face it, I assure you, you're doing great! Never give up and keep going. Every word you write takes you to the next step in your writing journey. And when meet the brick wall, find a way to break it down, whether by taking a break, complaining to a friend, sobbing in anger or writing a sappy blog post. You will eventually see the other side. Just keep going!
And when in doubt, throw in dragon into the story and see how things go!
Wellp Until next time, Happy Writing!
- Nitya :)
Ps: if anyone's reading this, I apologise for the mess that has been created. I wrote most of this on the school bus and while suffering mild motion sickness because I haven't gotten used to school busses yet and masks really don't help. Anyways, back to the hiatus!
Oh also, I'm thinking about revamping this blog and maybe uploading more frequently? I don't know about the "more frequently" part, but I am a bit tired of the colour scheme and set up so I might change it up a bit!
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